


hold on to the memories (they will hold on to you, and i will hold on to you)

by aprincessofdaxam



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Seasonal Affective Disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-13 19:30:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17493905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aprincessofdaxam/pseuds/aprincessofdaxam
Summary: "It's okay to miss her."





	hold on to the memories (they will hold on to you, and i will hold on to you)

**Author's Note:**

> Canon through 3x22, 'Make It Reign.' Mon-El and Winn never went to the future; Mon-El and Imra had an amicable parting; Mon-El and Kara are together.

***** Midvale, December 2018 *****  
  
"Thanks!" Kara grins brightly as she accepts the wrapped plate from Eliza, resisting the urge to lift the corner of the foil and take a sniff. Snapper is due back from sabbatical this week, and one of his few soft spots is for baked goods - including her Earth mother's secret-recipe walnut brownies, as it turns out. She can use all the help she can get to stay in the gruff editor's good graces.   
  
"My pleasure," Eliza says, retrieving her mug of tea from the counter beside the kettle before moving toward the kitchen table. Kara follows suit, sinking into her seat and retrieving her own mug.   
  
In addition to picking up this - it's _not_ a _bribe_! - she'll admit to herself that she also just wanted an excuse to fly to Midvale for an afternoon. She has been spending a lot of time with Eliza since Alura departed back to Argo City - in the nearly seven months since they said goodbye to all of their friends and family who don't belong on Earth or in this century. Thankfully, it's been blissfully quiet since then - the occasional rowdy interloper or robbery or fire requires the attention of Supergirl or the DEO, but they've all had time to breathe and settle in to their new circumstances. But while Supergirl has had the opportunity to hang her cape briefly at times, Kara Danvers has been quite busy at the office, thanks to the normal stress and short-staffing that occurs at this time of year. Human concerns. Still, it's been a few weeks since she's made one of these flights.   
  
Eliza seems to be reading her thoughts. "It's so good to see you today." She glances to the refrigerator and Kara follows her gaze to where, beside the photo-booth strip of images of a young Alex and Kara mugging for the camera at the homecoming carnival, a newer image of Alex grinning proudly from behind her new desk at the DEO is stuck to the metal.   
  
"She can't wait to see you in a few weeks for Christmas," Kara says. "I'm so proud of her."   
  
"I am, too - and it's wonderful to hear you talk that way about your sister." Eliza smiles. "And how is J'onn holding up?"   
  
"As well as can be expected, you know?" Kara says. "He's changed, but I think he's more grateful than anything for the time he had with M'yrnn."   
  
"And Mon-El?"   
  
"He's ... " She means to say, _fine_ , but her throat sticks on the word, as she feels her brow crinkle before she has the chance to even try to lie.   
  
It had started in the fall, when the seasons turned. She knows he will never be as lighthearted as the boy from Daxam she met just a few years ago - the man who crashed back to this century with the Legion is careworn by responsibility carried for much longer in a much harsher world. But, after his heart chose its path, after they began tentatively rebhilding their relationship - slowly, as if afraid to anger the fates - he had settled back in to their life, back in to giving her secret smiles, into joking with Winn and Alex at the command center, into waking up early and puttering around in the kitchen. But as the seasons turned, he began to look distracted at times, off in his own mind. And as they moved deeper into November and December, the mercury dropping, he constantly moved with his shoulders hunched, as though cold, or troubled.   
  
"Something's bothering him," Kara admits to her mother. "He's quiet. He won't tell me what it is."   
  
Eliza makes a noncommittal sound, nodding. "You know, the holidays can be hard for some people. Especially in a time of change."   
  
Unprompted, his outburst echoes in her mind. _"It's been seven years!"_   
  
"Do you remember not drinking tea when you were younger?"   
  
The question seems like such a non sequitur. Behind that remembered outburst from a year ago, behind the emotions in her chest because deep down, she knows what Mon-El is struggling with - she _knows_ \- that it takes a moment for her to refocus and acknowledge that Eliza has spoken.   
  
After Jeremiah's departure, Eliza, now a single, working mother to two young women, would clear at least one night a week for them to all gather around the kitchen table over tea and cookies - to discuss school, their sadness, their dreams of the future, anything. Kara's mug was usually untouched when she rinsed them out later that night.   
  
"You said it reminded you of a drink your mother made," she continues, her voice gentle.   
  
Kara remembers. She remembers the grief that had risen in her so strongly when she inhaled the steam from the mug, reminding her of nights listening to her mother and father talk quietly during evenings on Krypton while she focused on her schoolwork, and the different kind of grief when she tasted this lot liquid and the flavor was nothing alike at all. She remembers struggling so much that it felt like physical pain, because she didn't know how to tell Eliza she was sad, because she doesn't want to hurt this woman who she has come to love very much. And she doesn't know what she wants, anyway, because not smelling it, not remembering, would be worse.   
  
She remembers how loved she had felt, when one night, she had sat down at the table, and there was hot chocolate in her cup. She remembers looking up in surprise at her mother - her mother - who gives her the most understanding smile, because she didn't know why she was sad, but she tried to care for her, anyway, while giving her permission to be sad. She remembers sitting at the table, quietly sipping her drink, while listening to Alex and Eliza talk over their fragrant drinks, feeling loved.   
  
She raises her gaze to Eliza's and feels the tears brimming over in her eyes. She doesn't bother to brush it away because Eliza's own eyes are open and full and understanding.   
  
***** Titan, 3059 *****   
  
"Ice skating sounds dangerous."   
  
They're in the open vestibule of a shuttle bay on Titan, docking their transport craft far more slowly than they usually can, dawdling before they head to her parents' home, as promised during the trip back to Earth from another system. Mon-El is dragging his feet because he doesn't want to admit that he's always a little annoyed with her father. Imra is dragging her feet because it's still not the same at that compound without Preya.   
  
While they were piloting the cruiser through the clouds that always blanket Titan, he'd started mentioning all the activities involving snow for humans back on old Earth. She finds it intriguing and a little funny - here, it snows so much that her people don't play in it. It's normal, not novel.   
  
"You know, it didn't snow much back on Daxam," he says. "We were closer to the sun in our system. Earth - well, Earth back then - was the first time I'd seen real snow, more than a dusting."   
  
She nods, wanting him to keep going. She already knows the climate is different on Earth in their time - she's hardly ever seen more than a dusting of snow there, except at the poles.   
  
"Well, I'd like to see you trying to stay up on those skates you talked about," she teases, hoping to prompt him into continuing. "Goof."   
  
His eyes suddenly shine with some strange mix of emotion she's seen frequently - both soft with fondness, and yet unbearably sad. His hand twitches, like he wants to reach for her, but isn't sure. Her heart aches - both because her teasing comment had obviously, unwittingly, touched those old wounds, and because, even while he's hurting, still he asks, still he waits for her permission.   
  
So she reaches over and takes his hand.   
  
"Tell me," she says.   
  
***** National City, 2017 *****   
  
Her eyes sparkle with mischief.

"Yesterday, you were a _little_ less Goofus, and ... a _little_ more Gallant."

He forces out a laugh, feeling his face heat - is he _blushing_ for the first time in his life? He hopes she is not picking up on his heartbeat.   
  
***** Titan, 3059 *****   
  
She's quiet, still holding his hand. He's still struggling through his memories. He's not talking, but she can feel the echoes of what he is feeling - the happiness and the _falling_ back then, the sadness that still remains now.   
  
"It's okay to miss her," she says gently.   
  
"It's hard to talk about," he finally says. "I never want to hurt you."   
  
"Mon-El, she's part of your story," she says. "It's difficult, but I could never hate you for missing her. You know she inspires me. I'm grateful for her."   
  
He scoffs a little at that, and she rolls her eyes. Her best friend - her husband, she still has to remind herself sometimes - is so opposite from her sometimes, he has always trended more toward the cynical. Since he can't feel her sincerity the way she can feel him, she'll have to make him see.   
  
"Preya and I used to come here when we were children and wait for our father to come back." He goes very still at her sudden change of topic, but nods, knowing the elder Ardeen is still active in interplanetary diplomacy - after all, that's how they had wound up in their current situation. "We'd sit right here, just like this. Sometimes, if it was very early, we'd watch the sunrise. After ... after she was gone, I thought I'd never watch another sunrise again."   
  
He looks up like he's surprised. Imra loves mornings. During their early years of friendship, they bonded during the dark hours when neither one of them could sleep through the night - but even so, she's always been up early, the other members of the Legion finding one or both of them as the light creeps into the room.   
  
"Even though I learned how to find beauty in them again, it doesn't mean I love her any less."   
  
"I don't deserve you," is his only response, meeting her eyes for the first time.   
  
After almost four years, she can still feel grief in his heart - but that's not the only reason she gives his hand a squeeze. She also feels so much love - not only for Supergirl, but for her, too.   
  
***** National City, December 2018 *****  
  
He'd given her a smile when she walked in, but it hadn't quite reached his eyes. He'd tried to pass it off as being distracted by the book he's reading, but she knows better. He's barely turned pages in the last half hour, distracted by the snow falling outside the window as she hangs her coat, sheds her glasses and ponytail, and putters around in the kitchen.

And he startles when she settles onto the couch beside him, holding out a warm mug as she sips from her own hot chocolate. He sets his book aside as she tucks her feet up underneath her and settles underneath the arm he extends. For a long time, they're quiet.   
  
"It's okay to miss her."   
  
He tenses against her, as much as in surprise from her breaking the silence as from her words.   
  
"Kara - "   
  
"Mon-El, you spent _years_ with her. She's part of your family, whatever happened. She's part of your story. And in a weird way ... I'm grateful for her."   
  
He gives a wry, strangled chuckle at that, which she can only guess at the origins of, as he shifts to wrap his arms more tightly around her.

"I don't deserve either of you. But I promise I'll keep trying to be the sort of man who does."

"You deserve everything," she counters. "And I promise to keep reminding you of that." 

He nods against the top of her head. There's silence for a moment as she feels him considering, with the only sound in the room their heartbeats.

"It snows a lot on Titan," is all he finally says.

She gives a little hum of understanding, setting her mug on the coffee table before dragging the blanket down off the back of the couch to cover their legs, sliding her own arm more tightly around him.

Together, they settle in companionable silence as the snow collects on the window pane.

**Author's Note:**

> \-- I meant to have this posted before the holidays, and time just got away from me. Hope everyone had a good one! 
> 
> \-- I headcanon a bit about Mon-El and Imra's relationship and Imra's powers, if you're wondering where something in here came from (more in 'these small hours')
> 
> \-- Title from Taylor Swift's "New Year's Day."


End file.
